Sakumo's Courtship
by telosphilos
Summary: Never take courtship advice from a dog. They have no idea what they are talking about.


A/N: Bitethehandthatfeeds challanged me to drabble Sakumo's courtship. We have had several very funny conversations about the dogs of Kakashi's pack and just how weird they can be. I'm rather nice to poor dear Sakumo. I like to think that Kakashi had good parents even if he can't really remember them any more.

Er, yes, I did accidentally have Kakashi where I should have had Sakumo. This should be fixed now.

"I need a plan, Hime-chan, a good one. Any thoughts on how to convince the prettiest little bitch you ever smelled to join this pack of mutts?" Sakumo grumbled to the gigantic mastiff bitch at his side.

"Why? Can you just chase her and then mount her and we'll keep her from then on, or at least the litter... Why should we want an alpha bitch?" Hime growled back. She liked being in charge of the pack.

"Well, she's smart, she's pretty, and she smells good. Why shouldn't I court her to be my alpha bitch?" Sakumo asked Hime.

"Will she let you get away with things?" Hime rejoined with a wry question of her own.

"Er... don't think so." Sakumo blinked wondering where she was going with that question. What things did she expect the pretty girl to stop him from doing?

"We'll help." Hime huffed back. "You need some one to keep a lid on you. You spend too much time with the toad tamer."

"Oi!" Sakumo thumped her on the shoulder. "That's not nice. I haven't been peeping with him since I was fifteen!"

"What does she like? A nice steak, a juicy bone with lots of marrow, a pretty leather collar? Pick something and give it to her. Let her know you are interested. I don't know why you don't just want to chase her." Hime got up and went to look for a bone she had burried out in the yard. Thinking of all these nice things to give her master's potential mate was making her hungry for something to gnaw on.

Sakumo watched his mastiff wander off to the yard. He had to be crazy asking for courting advice form the biggest bitch around. Hime was bigger then most of the Inuzuka dogs, and that was saying something. She might have been on to something though. A gift Midori-chan would actually like. What did she like? She likes to cook and was quite good at it. She likes elegant kimono and is absolutely gorgeous in them. She likes dogs. She really likes puppies and little lap dogs. That was it! That was why the thought she would make a good member of the Hatake pack. She liked to work at the veterinary offices down in the kennels with the whelps.

He'd get her a dog. It would need to be something cute that would stay small unlike the rest of the pack. He wanted to give her a lap dog. A pet that was affectionate and liked to be held. Eventually he'd give her as many pups of her own as she wanted, oh that part would be fun, but to get her started something cute would have to do. Oh dear, a poodle, she'd love a poodle. The things he'll do for a prize bitch. Damn it, he'd been spending too much time with the dogs. She's a beautiful, intelligent woman who likes dogs and he was quite smitten with her.

Midori was amused. Sakumo had found two of the most adorable poodle puppies around. She didn't know how he did it, but the bitch wasn't just an apricot, it was down right orange-pink furred. The dog was a dark grey and would be the sort of silver dog breeders called blue when it reached maturity. So he gave her a blue boy and a pink girl. And then he asked her out to dinner. Like she could say no with those two adorable puppies cuddling her?

Dinner was entertaining. Sakumo was telling jokes and stories about his pack of dogs. It seems all of them got into some sort of mischief or trouble when they were young and still in training. He swore high and low that the puppies were housebroken and not trained as nin dogs. He even claimed they were not members of his pack.

She challenged him to come up with six shinobi uses for a couple of frou frou poodles by the end of the night. He had only come up with three. It was a good time. At the end of the evening, he had put a finger to each of their little black noses and told them to be good for her. It was too cute for such a feared jounin.

The puppies were bundles of fur and energy. They didn't want to be separated from her so she let them snuggle up to her at the head of the bed. She was in puppy love for about a week until she noticed something.

She couldn't find any of her panties.

She searched her drawers. She searched her laundry basket. She searched everywhere. There wasn't a one to be found. Frustrated she wore an old pair and went shopping for more, her two little shadows at her heels.

The puppies happily barked their opinions at her choices. They liked the color green which was strange because dogs couldn't see color all that well. They weren't completely colorblind, just mostly because they had more rods then cones in their eyes. They also seemed to like the skimpier ones better.

She was starting to wonder about the pups.

Rokushou was furious. He was down right furious. Some one had given his beautiful little girl two furry demons! He was going to hunt them down and take a chunk of flesh out the the son of a bitch that given those little furballs to his baby girl.

Those damn dogs had gotten into his dirty laundry and rolled in everything no matter how filthy. Then they had the nerve to chew the crotch out of all of his dirty uniform pants. He was livid.

His daughter had also mentioned that her undergarments kept turning up missing since she was given them. Hatake was going to pay for that. No one practices perversions on his daughter! Sending his dogs to do panty raids! He'd gut the boy, legendary nin or not!

"Sakumo-teme! Get your filthy hentai ass out here!" Rokushou screamed as he pounded on the White Fang's door.

"What!" groaned the exhausted half dressed shinobi who answered the door. "I just got off a mission, I'm on leave, go away."

Rokushou grabbed the white haired young man by the throat and put a kunai to his gullet before slamming him into the door frame. "What the fuck were you thinking sending two of your damn dogs to do panty raids on my daughter, you perverted son of a bitch?"

"Well, he has your number." came a growl from an absolutely huge mastiff. "What is this about those fluff balls and panties?" Hime asked lazily from her dog bed a few feet from the door.

Rokushou blinked and was startled for just long enough for Sakumo to remove the weapon from his throat. "Er, come in, what's going on? I've been on a mission for most of the last month."

Midori herself just ran up to the door. Only to hear Sakumo say, "Hime-chan, you aren't helping."

"Who said I was trying to? He smells like your pretty bitch, that her sire?" She asked from her place lounging on the huge padded mat.

"Yes, and don't call her a bitch, she's human, you crazy bitch." Sakumo snapped at the dog. "Tea, Rokushou-san?" He offered as politely as he could manage.

"Sakumo-kun, are you cheating on me?" Midori groused from the door with two larger balls of fluff still at her heels.

"Er.. no, why would I do that?" Sakumo responded from the kitchen. "Oi, give me a minute. I need to get a shirt on. " He dashed using his shinobi enhanced speed to the bedroom and back down flushed bright red.

Sakumo had returned wearing an old shirt inside out with his hair even messier then usual. "Sorry, I just got in a few hours ago and wasn't expecting company." Sakumo was still flushed, but set about making a decent tea for his company and to wake himself up.

Midori was surprised to have caught Sakumo so disheveled. Usually he was quite well put together when he came round to visit with her. She didn't know why, but she did find him cute like that, more so then normal. She sat at the table by her father with the little dogs clamoring for her lap.

He served them and then asked, "Now, what was that about the fluffballs?"

"I do not approve of you using them for panty raids on my daughter." Rokushou growled.

"Huh?" Sakumo looked completely confused.

"I told you you shouldn't have asked Jiriaya to help you find those things. Got a nice pork femur in the fridge?" Hime chimed in.

"Go look yourself, but I doubt it. I don't think the butcher would be that nice to you." Sakumo groused.

"You asked Jiriaya to help you find these dogs?" Midori asked archly.

"Well yes, he does have more contacts in more areas then I do. Poodles aren't exactly easy to find, and it is worse if you are fussy about temperment. You would find a way to kill me if they were the yappy type."

"If?" the eyebrow had not come down and the arms were crossed in front of her.

"Er, they shouldn't be. No one taught them to bark and they did promise to be good." Sakumo blinked.

"How? And what have you been doing with my daughter's clothes?" Rokushou snarled at Sakumo. Hime wandered back in and took at good sniff at him. She then went and took a good sniff at his daughter. Rokushou glared even more coldly at the pale nin who had served him his tea.

"She doesn't smell like alpha bitch material to me?" Hime muttered contemptously.

Midori whirled around faster then either nin expected her to and swatted Hime on the nose.

"I take that back, she's perfect for you." Hime bit out and walked back to her bed all wounded dignity.

"She always like that?" Midori looked somewhat affronted and somewhat amused at the same time.

"Pretty much. She doesn't want to give up ... er.. never mind. The puppies, what is this about the puppies and underwear?" Sakumo asked somewhat desparately trying to change the subject back to less dangerous territory.

"Poodles, underwear, ring any bells?" Rokushou was starting to completely lose his patience.

"Did you check their basket where they sleep at night? Any new holes in the yard? They aren't here, they aren't my dogs, they don't belong in the pack." Sakumo answered sounding completely harried.

"They sleep at the foot of my bed." Midori answered before her father could snap again. "They haven't been digging up the garden either. Why?"

"Because they are dogs, regular, ordinary, every day dogs. The only thing I asked them to do was behave and not make a mess inside the house, that's it. I have no idea what they could have done with your clothes, but they are just regular dogs, they probably chewed them up and hid them for later." Sakumo answered sounding completely harassed. "Hime-chan, ask the furballs what they did with Midori-chan's clothes and any other clothes that may have gone missing in her home."

"Why should I?" The mastiff growled at her master.

"Because I owe you a nice big juicy bone with lots of marrow still in it for this past mission and your help might make me more inclined to go get it faster." Sakumo snapped back.

"The things I do for you." She grumbled and barked at the poodles. The poodles backed back, high pitched and sharp yaps that hurt the ears. "They ate them. Hid the left overs in the couch cushions most likely. They want to know what all the fuss is about."

Sakumo answered by beating his head against the table. "Explain it to them please Hime-chan." he whimpered. Rokushou's expression lightened, and was progressing to amused. The boy was clearly not a happy camper and apparently quite taken with his Midori-chan. From the looks of things, Midori-chan knew how to manage him too.

"Why should I? I like being the alpha bitch." Hime sniped back.

"I don't know, maybe because no one deserves that? Oh hell what you understand, you think clothes are evil." Sakumo groaned. "I'm so sorry, I thought they understood that that was on the list of bad behaviors not allowed in human homes. They need training to stop that or else you need to keep your clothes in closed hampers. Er... no, they need training. Poodles are too smart for their own good, they would find a way into the hamper. If Hime-chan wasn't being so stubborn she could explain it to them and it would be resolved in a matter of a week or so."

"You are telling me, you asked your friend the pervert extrodinaire to help you find a pair of poodles for my daughter. You then retrieved them and taught them how to behave in a human home and then handed them over to her. Now, your giant bitch, I can't believe I'm using that term literally, is griping about being replaced as the alpha bitch in your pack. Have I missed anything?" Rokushou asked wryly.

"Er... basically." Sakumo flushed.

"He's all yours if you want him Midori-chan, figure out how to train those poodles before I turn them in to dinner." Rokushou poofed away using a transportation jutsu leaving both young adults blinking.

The rest is history.


End file.
